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THIS IS A CACHED PAGE FROM THE FOLLOWING SITE: IT WILL BE REMOVED ON REQUEST |
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| 1. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| PW | ...once a year...give it a...cracking blow and I didn't know...never take |
| a hairy...but...I-I remember a time there was a...firework display in the | |
| village as...it was quite frightening, you know - bang! crash! fizz! Er, | |
| I did wonder...how they could do that. But, anyway, er...quite silly... | |
| har!...one girl was very badly burned, er, I...like those...I was called on | |
| in my capacity as...and I cracked my head very sharply on a piece of | |
| furniture...aah! like that...I'm afraid that I was very, very drunk. | |
| 2. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| PW | ...and I said to him the other day, "Johnny!"..."Johnny Ludlow!"...har!... |
| terrible flatulence...d'you see?...the whole thing was made completely | |
| out of rubber!...in fact, we had to communicate the whole time with | |
| sign language...a rather striking moustache...wow! you see?...you know | |
| you can actually drive one of those cars on three wheels?...huh! I'm | |
| afraid I was very drunk. That was Johnny Ludlow. | |
| 3. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| PW | Cairo! Rrrrrrrk! Brrrr! I perished! Then again...isn't it...very unstable, |
| politically. Pandemonium...largely to do with a poisonous monkey....very | |
| small chaps, but immensely strong...very...usually...har! like that...it was | |
| a completely wasted journey...very friendly...SNAKE! SNAKE! Whoar!... | |
| Gin!...didn't know I'd do...I made a dreadful hash of his arm, I really did... | |
| I mean, I freely admit...that I was very, very drunk. | |
| 4. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| [PW is having a laughing fit] | |
| PW | ...it was just outside Edinburgh!...and then I...and then I said, "we're |
| getting married!"...bloody did!...a makeshift crutch!...the whole bloody | |
| leg was completely...I remember...that he didn't wake up for three days! | |
| THREE BLOODY DAYS!...oh, I'm afraid I was very, very, very drunk! | |
| 5. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| PW | ...BANG! Bang up the arse!... Now, did I ever tell you about what happened |
| in the year nineteen hundred and fifty faah...I remember quite vividly now... | |
| I said, "come here" and she was the saddest woman, and the tallest woman | |
| I've ever met. I remember quite vividly...but her husband had been | |
| entombed in ice. Like this... | |
| [PW holds hands up like claws and opens his mouth widely] | |
| PW | Oh, I remember quite vividly that I was...people came running out...we'd |
| been cut off by a terrific snowstorm, yes...myself, actually...extremely | |
| cold...and we were plunged into total darkness...she was over there, like | |
| that...I was over there, he was there, like that...and we heard what | |
| sounded like a child's voice, like this "Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! | |
| Mama!"...closer and closer it came...until finally in the end...she arched her | |
| back and scuttled across the room like a giant spider...she opened her | |
| mouth to spit, and I cried "Aheurgh!" | |
| [waiter MW appears, carrying a gin on a silver platter. PW gulps it down] | |
| PW | Oh! Aaaah! Eurgh! Actually, another one of those. |
| [MW mutters incomprehensbily to PW] | |
| PW | Bugger orf! |
| [MW slouches off] | |
| PW | ...it may have been a ghost. I don't know, really...you see, I'm afraid I |
| was very, very drunk. | |
| 6. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| PW | ...at the time, I was still a...a giant marshmallow...for all of us, fingerless |
| gloves were essential...and I remember...just off St Alexandra Square - you | |
| know, behind the chocolate shop...and the head had become completely | |
| detached...always felt like we were being watched, like that...I went | |
| completely cross-eyed, but I'm over it now...I mean, you must have been | |
| there. Oh, you must go. It's quite, quite, quite, quite beautiful...a lorry | |
| load of interesting cheeses...there is no art to find the mind's construction | |
| in the face, hmm?...little fierce buggers...and they made they're burrows | |
| in rotten wood...even then, I mean...and a face like a mad baboon, and an | |
| arse to match!...run for a...shoot him, you fool! Ha! I didn't hear any of | |
| it, of course, because I'm afraid I was very, very drunk. | |
| 7. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| PW | ...many years ago...in Shanghai! SHANGHAI!...stamp out piracy...I admit it, |
| I was quite flummoxed by an outrageous cat...there was a Chinese warlord, | |
| by the name of...of the Times...I'm a very considerate lover...there was... | |
| is that there's a permanent tap to the gall bladder of these bears...it was | |
| swollen to twice it's usual size...yes, har-har-har-har!...surgeon, sandy | |
| hair - obviously homosexual...but I liked him...took it off below the knee... | |
| jabbering on and on...hhhhhhha!...made no difference to me. I'm afraid I | |
| was very drunk! | |
| 8. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| PW | [sounds of revving, changing gears, accelerating again, machine gunning, |
| explosions... monkeys, chimpanzees... elephants... eerie whistling... | |
| ships horn... bubbling under water... sonar echo sounder...] | |
| PW | Miaow! BWWWAAAAAARGH! EEEUUUURRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Har-har! |
| Brrrrrr! I said NO! I'm afraid I was very... very drunk. | |
| 9. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| PW | ...lazy takes in your brain...and the women there are absolutely sex mad!... |
| I managed to drain the wound into a tin cup... | |
| [PW mimes blowing a poison dart] | |
| PW | ...like that...pierced labia...I opened my eyes and...by jingo! I realised I'd |
| married three of 'em!...then, they made me their chief...obviously...the | |
| witch doctor never liked me, he was forever burying his...I mean, I made | |
| a terrible faux pas in their culture...and I bluffed my way out, and they | |
| chased me for several weeks...surprising they didn't catch me, because I | |
| was absolutely smashed! Of poisonous frogs! | |
| 10. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| [PW is snoozing soundly in his armchair, with the occasional outburst...] | |
| PW | Zzzzzz...SIX BREASTS!...Zzzzzz...he has a pint gin nose!...Zzzzzz... |
| completely covered in hair...Zzzzzz..."don't point that thing at me!", she | |
| said...and then she came...Zzzzzz...blew my hat off!...Zzzzzz...penicillin!... | |
| Zzzzzz... | |
| 11. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| PW | ...sabre toothed tiger...did it ever really exist? I mean... Swedish port of |
| town...I only mention it...oh, yes....made by elves in a tiny workshop!... | |
| oooork! like that...and baaaark! like that! Horns sprang open my love... | |
| very puffed out...size...and eject the hairs from their back, like this: | |
| swish-swish-swish! Like nothing I've ever seen... | |
| 12. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC (cont.) |
| PW | [laughing] Great fun! [laughs] Oh, yes. Frightfully...excuse me, I said... |
| turned round and smite thee down with a sword stick! Oh, yeah...in some | |
| dark corner of the human soul...sad... | |
| 13. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC (cont.) |
| PW | ...two ton angry warthog...you can, of course, fry them and eat them... |
| the Insha like to dish out, the- they of course eat the male after | |
| copulation...frightfully...why don't we all just go and get merry...and very | |
| drunk. | |
| 14. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| PW | ...frankly, I mean...vast quite slow, you see...he-he-he...and there he was! |
| Staring at me. Six foot eight if he was an inch! Har!...I mean...the whole | |
| thing was made out of matchsticks! Yeah! Ha-ha! I mean, I laugh now, | |
| but...he made a image of four star Nazi general licking a lollipop...silent... | |
| I was up there, like that...I was feeling a little liverish...he-he!...and he | |
| punched me, right on the nose!...I really...didn't feel a thing, you see, | |
| because I'm afraid I was very drunk. | |
| 15. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| [a rather subdued PW is fully alert - for once - talking to camera] | |
| PW | ...and I was...I mean, it happened to a terribly young man, I'm sure... |
| she was a really beautiful woman...and I...she had a very long neck... | |
| she had...very intelligent...really piercing eyes...of course, erm, war came | |
| along...everything was over between us...I remember that I was...a very | |
| beautiful song, "la-la-la"...I was in absolute floods of tears...it was really | |
| very cold, and she was very thin...and I held her in my arms... | |
| [long pause - PW looks very sad, then says softly...] | |
| PW | I'm afraid I was very drunk. |
| 16. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC |
| [int. gentlemen's club. a surprisingly coherent PW is talking to an unseen | |
| colleague, sat opposite him in another comfy chair] | |
| PW | I remember - about seventeen years ago - popping down to see a maiden |
| aunt in- near Guildford. Nyeah. No, pretty dull journey, really - took me | |
| about an hour and a half. Roads were fairly clear. Er, though I do seem | |
| to remember a youth on rollerskates, hanging on the back of a lorry. | |
| Looked pretty dangerous, though rather fun! Ha-ha-ha! Yes. Anyway, I | |
| went down to see the old girl, and she's, er, knocking on a bit, but a good | |
| sort, you know? Had a spot of tea, slice of cake, yeah, went through her | |
| portfolio. Tided up a few odds and ends. Had a look at the will. Uhh. | |
| Turned in early. You know, read a book. Er, I have to admit that I was | |
| absolutely stone cold sober. | |
| [slight pause] | |
| PW | Anyway, got up early next morning, bombed into town. Thought I'd stop |
| off at the club, have a spot of breakfast, you know? So, I... popped in. | |
| There was Sir Gerald at the bar. "Hey! Birkin!", he said, "Have a drop of | |
| this!". I said, "Hello - what is it?". He said, "Hush, hush!". "Oh, yes?". | |
| "Absyinthe!" | |
| [PW suddenly slumps forward, cradles his head in his hands, crying...] | |
| PW | Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-heee-heee-hooo-hooo-haaa-haaa- |
| [...then suddenly switches from crying to laughing, back to his old self...] | |
| PW | -har-har-har! Heh-hey! "Bwah!", like that... get down!...daffodil right up |
| the arse... pow! pow!...before I knew it, I was fighting hand to hand | |
| combat with my mother's favourite poet. | |
| M1 | Wuhhhhhh... |
| PW | Anyway, I...like that...form a kite...over the village wall...like that... but |
| it wasn't cheese at all! Ha-ha!... Aaargh! Frightful, mongrel warriors... | |
| plomp-plomp-plomp-plomp-plomp-arooga!-arooga! Trying desperately to | |
| explain the rules of conkers...like that...I...ah! Wow!...and these actually | |
| were wise goldfish...and I gave her the...three tiny bodies, entombed for | |
| all eternity...I meant, I was...you know...there was...like that...women | |
| and children weeping all over the place. I mean floods of tears, you | |
| know?... Harumph! I actually found it all incredibly funny! Har-har-har! | |
| Though of course, I was, er...very, very drunk. | |
| 17. | ROWLEY BIRKIN QC (1918-2000) |
| [int. gentlemen's club - PW is sat playing the piano, singing to himself...] | |
| PW | ... absolutely, yes... ha-ha!... "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, let |
| your fna-hm-wah! Next year all our troubles will be out of sight!"... and, | |
| er, I think she must have misheard me, because she brought me a | |
| bucket full of ankles... urgh!... I was frightfully... neep! honk! | |
| "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your fnwah... | |
| ... takes me back to my time in Anchorage with Stevie Wonder... it | |
| was... very funny, really... nip-nip-nip-nip-nip! like that... but, er... | |
| "So I'm offering this simple phrase, for kids from one to ninety two, | |
| although it's been said many times many waaaaays, ife-eel-ila"... work | |
| him over... ha-ha-ha!... "Although it's been said many times many | |
| ways... once you actually broke through the crust, all that was left | |
| was a rather foul jelly... "Although it's been said many times many | |
| waaaaays..." ah, I'm afraid I was very, very drunk. | |
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[original script (c) BBC, transcribed by Bon Scott]
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Page design by: Bon
Scott