Buoyed by the success of
the new Mini, BMW is to release new option packs to capitalise on the car's
retro design. The new packs will compliment the existing Salt, Chili and Pepper
trims, but are designed to capture the appeal of the old Mini. First up, the
Soy Sauce package includes a unique engine management programme which will allow
the car to piss oil all over your drive. State-of-the-art multiplex wiring has
also allowed engineers to create deliberate 'bugs' in the car's electrics, causing
phantom operation of the lights, wipers and de-misting fan whilst permitting
them to 'pack up' when a sensor detects bad weather. A second complimentary
pack, dubbed Balsamic Vinegar, comes with a feature linked to the rain sensing
wipers which allows water to leak into the car when it rains. Thanks to lightweight
valve technology, the water leak can be switched between ten different locations,
making it utterly impossible to trace. Ever. Balsamic Vinegar equipped cars
will also come with small pieces of loose metal inside randomly chosen body
cavities, creating a series of irritating and ever lasting rattles which nothing
short of dismantling the entire car will cure.
Continuing the old-skool theme, dealers will now offer a new deal to
compliment the revolutionary TLC servicing scheme. For an extra £100 customers
can chose the PITA (Pain In The Arse) option which will attempt to replicate the
elusive 1970s BL dealer experience. Your car's service will be done in a really
half baked way and your Mini will be returned scratched, dirty and smelling of
spaniels. Some lucky customers may even find that their car has been lent to a
17-year-old apprentice who has had sex in the back seat and then crashed it into
some sort of tree.
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