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by "Hammerton" on

copied with reverence but not permission All material The Brains Trust

From a week on Monday, announced the Government today, in order to free up hospital beds from "all those awful sick people", those with minor medical conditions will be issued with a DIY manual for "all their treatment needs."

If you want something done...
According to Government statistics, minor operations are the biggest drain on NHS funds, so in a revolutionary move, they will all now become the patient's own responsibility.

A slightly flustered health secretary emerged from number eleven following a full and frank discussion with the Chancellor where the statement, "cut your budget or you're fucking sacked" was comprehensively analysed by officials. He explained, quaking to journalists, and reading from a script that "This is not a cutback, we are simply extending choice for patients. People will now have a choice, and as with most things in life, you can choose to pay someone to do the job by going privately - like me and all my rich friends - or, if you're poor, you can do it yourself." He then handed out draft copies of some of the new manuals, which come with a free gift of a roll of elastplast and a surgical clamp.

"trouble-shooting guides"
The Brains Trust has obtained a copy of the "Hands" volume after ordering it through a Guardian advert. Presented in the normal Haynes style, it starts with a general guide to medical procedure and details the basic equipment you need. Chapters are then devoted to each part of the hand (individual fingers, thumb and wrist), showing cutaways and exploded diagrams of the various sections and has trouble-shooting guides to diagnose problems.

"graded by difficulty"
Also included are step by step guides to all minor operation you might need. These procedures are graded by difficulty enabling the patient to assess if they have the skill required for performing the operation. Grading takes the form of a scale of one to five 'sticky plasters'. One plaster being "the equivalent of sticking on a plaster" and five being "will need help mopping up the blood and arranging the funeral."

Senior Physicians are outraged at the move with one British Medical Association President Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush castigating the manuals, claiming that DIY operations were "ill-advised, dangerous, and above all - our job!" The Government insists that the manuals are completely safe, although a junior health minister did concede that "the content of the manuals is irrelevant, but if it scares just 5% of the population from going to their Doctor, it'll save a bloody fortune."

by "Hammerton" on


Last Mullered Saturday, February 7, 2004 2:41 PM

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